On August 20th 2014, my husband and I had dinner with some friends who’d recently had a baby. We invited them over and hung out with the couple and their new addition all evening. That night after they left, we finished washing the dishes and tidying up and while standing in our kitchen Wiley said “I want a baby of our own, I think it will be fun” (or something similar). I was elated. As I’ve told you before, since I was a little girl, I have known that if I have one purpose in this life, it is to be a mother. So, his words were the sweetest. I was smiling from ear to ear and my heart was pounding. My dream was going to come true.
The very next day, I stopped taking birth control and was so ready for this step in our lives. I didn’t have it all planned out, but I did have confidence that God would take care of it. And He has, just not in the way we imagined. I’m sitting here three years later still waiting for that same dream to come true, but throughout all this time, He has still taken care of it. As badly as we want a baby and as hard as it is, for the most part, I have stayed at peace with God’s plan and trust that He has the perfect time to gift us with a baby. The road of infertility has been unexpected but has taught us so much.
Since I last updated you in February, we have done several rounds of hormone boosting medicines, one round of IUI, had a long conversation with our fertility doctor about IVF, received a second opinion from a specialist in North Carolina and had one consultation and evaluation from a holistic doctor here in Nashville. All of this has left us confused, a little discouraged, and definitely unsure of what to do next. If we take all of the information and summarize it, I would tell you that the doctors say that they see no apparent reason why I can’t get pregnant. So you might imagine my hesitation when the doctor told us that it was time for IVF. This happened in June and in short, we just weren’t ready. Since then, we’ve talked and prayed about it and feel like we would be doing ourselves and our future a disservice for not giving it a shot. We have scheduled an appointment with a new specialist in September and are anxious to hear her thoughts. Once we see her, depending on what she says, it’s likely be moving forward with IVF.
Through the constant changing emotions and the stress of decision making, our marriage has continued to grow and flourish. Both of us are better because of this journey. We have learned to support each other (he mostly gives to me because at times I’ve been a wreck) and poured everything we have into one another because sometimes it felt like that’s all we had. Wiley has shown me more love than I could have possibly imagined. He is kind, understanding, and passionate about making this dream a reality. Recently, I had one of those mornings when I just could not stop crying. I was out of the house for about 4 hours trying to go about my day as usual, but as hard as I tried, my eyes would not dry and I was so sad. Once again, I had just found out that that month was not the month and I couldn’t shake it. I was devastated. My heart felt like it was literally breaking that day. I came home and without saying a word, Wiley took me in his arms and squeezed me the way that he normally does.
After I felt like I had no tears left he looked in my eyes and started to sway from side to side, before I knew it we were dancing to some sweet oldies song and a glimpse of a smile came to my face.
He had taken my worst feelings away and made me feel like there was hope without saying a word. This is just a peek into what the last three years has looked like, but it’s a perfect example of how, in a matter of a couple of hours, we went from deep sadness to excited hope.
When we see our future, we see a house full of children and that goal has not changed one bit. Our desire is as strong as it has ever been, but we know that we are here, not because we want to be, but because we are called to be. God has given us moments together that we might not have had if we had a baby and has showed us how to love more than we ever have. Wiley and I make it our ultimate goal to live life to the fullest and to not allow the darkness of the world or our surroundings outshine the light. So, although infertility is a dark time in most people’s lives, I know that there can be good within it. We are excited about what’s next. But even so, we have learned to just be us and live in the moment. We have learned that this journey shouldn’t change the way we love each other but should only make it better. On the days that I have felt life was pretty bad, Wiley has made it good. The times when we were at the doctor and were so confused, our conversations together somehow made the confusion more clear.
I think back to the time before we were trying, when I didn’t think I could love my husband more, but somehow, every day our love grows bigger and stronger than the day before. After 1,085 days, lots of tears, too much heartache and even more time filled with happiness I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else at this very moment. We are ready to be parents but wake up each morning thankful to have each other. Having trust and constant love has made this time easier. And at the end of the day, if we have nothing else, we know that we have each other and this is us.
All pictures were taken by our friend and amazing photographer Cassidy Carson. No matter where you live, if you are looking for someone to capture your sweetest moments, she’s your girl! The images were edited by Wiley.